These four walls once held me bound. Kept me chained in like a bird in a cage. But these days, I’m a bird who is free. These four walls won’t keep me in because it’s not bigger than me. I will not look to myself for the resolution but the Giver of Life. My focus is no longer the walls but that which is higher than me. I will no longer allow pain, fear, hurt or hang-ups to hold me bound within these four walls. It won’t be easy but I will not bang my head against these walls and expect change. I have a choice and so do you. Choose to see and live beyond these walls.
If you’re still bound by these four walls; stop and take a listen. Listen for the sounds on the outside, listen to your beating heart and listen to the voice that speaks so softly to you and once again choose to see the beauty that these four walls can bring.
Whatever these four walls may represent for you it doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. These same walls that have held you down and back can be the walls which set you on a different path; where there once was bitterness there can be forgiveness. For sadness, it can be replaced with joy. If there was once chaos, you can have peace. You see these walls have helped me to see myself and the much-needed transformation that has begun. These four walls once held me bound, but now I am free.
Lately I’ve been in a funk in regards to my health but sometimes it takes having a conversation with a friend to put a spin on what you are going through and show your perspective in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared with you about my stomach issues, which I am still battling. The severity of it is not as bad. I have seen a gastroenterologist blood work was done and for now I am doing a food journal. So I just write down all I eat, how I am feeling and my bowel movements. I go back to see him on October 12. He has also recommend doing a scope of my stomach. I told him I would think about it. Truth is I don’t want to have surgery again.
So from about the middle of August I have been suffering from heel spurs and plantar Fasciitis. Damn it was painful. I was seeing a Chiropractor, doing laser therapy 3 times a week. Doing the stretches, exercises and putting ice on it 2-3 times a day. I was upset and all I could see was that I couldn’t do my walking anymore. What I didn’t see was all the others things that I could do. At one point I didn’t think I would see the end. Today I can gladly say that I am walking without a limp. I go the chiropractor/Laser Therapy weekly. I am also doing gentle yoga and more body stretches.
So then last week Saturday I am at a birthday party, trying not to walk around too much because my foot still hurts a little. Later that night the back of my neck starts to hurt. When I put my hand on my neck I feel a bump, at this point it is about the size of a medium sized grape. It hurts to touch it. This concerns me. So I speak to my aunt. You see she is a nurse. She says it looks like a hair bump but doesn’t like the fact that it is hurting me. She says I should see a doctor. What you don’t know is that a bump has been on the back of my neck for a couple months. Since it wasn’t bothering me before I just left it alone. Then all of a sudden it’s this big thing that is causing me pain. On Monday afternoon I go to a walk-in-clinic and see a doctor. He looks at it, feels it and says it’s a cyst. He gave me a script for antibiotics. Says to take it for 7 days and then follow-up with my family doctor. This will happen on Monday.
So as you can see I’m not in the best place with my health or should I say my body. I am not sad, but I do know that I do not want to go into the hospital for surgery. It would not be my first time for I have been to the hospital multiple times for different surgeries. I have had a bowel reconstruction surgery, partial hysterectomy, a dermoid cyst removed, plus the countless other ovarian cyst that have been removed. I have also had a ganglion cyst removed. I have had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage where a D&C had to be performed. I am not saying all of this to make you feel sorry for me. You see what my girlfriend did say is that you have been through all of that and your still smiling. You had surgeries and you healed. Even though you foot was hurting at the party you walked around with a smile on your face. You are still living. Then she provided me with a scenario of someone with cancer who has had a mastectomy, a breast implant and for them to learn that they have cancer again. Even though I am scared about having another surgery or even being in the hospital I will OK. I will go through the pain but will heal and be back on my feet again.
I am thankful that we spoke. Still unsure of what will happen but peace surrounds me, for this too shall pass. In this I can still move, use my limbs, most of all worship God. That will never cease. I don’t know what my future holds but I do know who holds my future. That alone is settling.
I love the time I get in my car while driving to work. Listening to Music is theraputic for me, especially to worship music as I am driving in my car. It is just me, the music and the Lord. He calms my fears. This morning as I was driving I was thinking about my upcoming missions trip, actually worried about whether or not I would meet my fundraising goal.
The song I was listening to was I Will Trust In You by Alynthia Lewis when I was reminded that “Faith is the reality of what we hope for, the proof of what we don’t see.” Just because I don’t see God moving, it doesn’t mean that He is not working. He is always at work behind the scene. All you need right now is have faith like a mustard seed. Trust Him, Believe Him for He does not lie. When He says He will do something He will. When He ask you to do something, you must be obedient and do it. Let doubt have no place in your heart and mind. If you begin to doubt stop and remember just who God is.
He is changing your heart. You no longer are the selfish person you once use to be. Your thinking is no longer I, but us and we. You were created to move with me. Now that the scales are falling off you are starting to see the plan for what it is. Your heart is being formed like mine. I’m breaking up the shallow ground and replacing your heart of stone. I’ve put my heart in you, so you feel as I feel, you move as I move.
Your trust in me will run deep, from you shall flow rivers of living water. I will give you the words to speak when you are speechless. I am your God in whom you trust.
Here is another song in regards to trust.