This is me! and I am finally okay with being an Introvert.
I use to make New Years resoultions, in hopes I would keep them but it really didn’t work for me. Instead of making resolutions now, I have one word that carries me through the year. This Word encompasses the whole person (spirit, soul and body) and from there I set small goals.
I awake and the year plays in my mind. What I should have done, who I should have spoken the truth to. Today I am bombarded with that. I want to walkout of 2017 unafraid. Letting go of old feelings, being honest with what I feel.
Earlier this year I was told to set aside time to write, away from home and on a particular day. I had it all worked out in my head, but it never really materialized. The fear of the unknown, failure and not being good enough held me back. As I look into 2018 I don’t want fear to hold me back.
I am ready to move forward. I’m excited about 2018 and what it has in store, not only for me but the people around me. I want to open myself up more to love, trust and being who The Creator intended me to be.
I know that there are still many issues that I have to work through but I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not saying it will be easy. What I am saying is each issue that I have to walk through will allow me to learn more about myself.
It has taken me years to get to a place where I like who I am. Where the mask that I have been wearing are slowing being peeled away. My dragons are being slayed one by one. I am no longer trying to be like anyone else but just trying to be my true authentic self and the only way that can be done is by spending time with the one who created me. Who formed me in my mother’s womb and knows how many hairs I have on my head. This is something I take pleasure in and smile knowing that my heavenly Father loves me.
I’m excited about walking closer with the Lord, my marriage and what God has in store for us. The relationships with my friends and the new friendships that are yet to happen. I’m finally also ready to make time for my writing. I have a story and so do many others. I’m going to be brave in 2018 and let my story be heard. My hope is that others will be brave with there own stories as well.
I haven’t been involved in Free Flow Fridays in a long time. Life does get busy but sometimes I just didn’t feel like being involved this way. I think that’s OK. This one minute writing exercise is helpful if only you will allow it to help you. Today it remined me of the place in which I am coming from, learning from and growing from. I was so broken that all I knew how to do was hurt those around me. But you see I am not that person anymore thanks be to God. I no longer sit at a place of being ashamed, or feeling guilty, or not even liking myself. You see Jesus has forgiven me and I have finally chosen to walk in His forgivenes. It has been a struggle but I am at a better place because of it. Here is what I wrote in the 1 minute time that was given.
In this life we all get tattered. Things happen in our life sometimes that is beyond our own control and some things are just consequences of actions that we have taken. Either way we are tattered, bruised, a little troubled but at the same time we can find healing. The pages of our tattered stories need to be shared so that we can receive the healing that is needed. Our minds may be tattered, our soul tattered, our bodies tattered but I know a man that will take your tattered life and make it new. Will He remove that tattered scars from your life maybe. This newness I speak of is not wiping what you have been through away but allowing you to get to a place where what you have been through no longer dictates your life. He gives you peace in the situation even though the situation is chaotic. You see this tattered life is not my own but His to carry. Because He has taken my tattered life I am new in Him. I am loved regardless of how tattered I may be. It does not make me any less of a person. For in Him there is beauty within my tattered soul. For in Him there is hope for my hopelessness. For in Him there is love unconditional. You see this tattered soul can open up and be free to share her tattered story and know that I have freedom in Him.
You see having a tattered life should never dictate who you are. Its what you do with your tattered life that makes all the difference. You were meant to soar.
“Gather and Group”
I’ve been involved in a life-group for more than 2 years now. In the beginning it was hard. I didn’t know the people. To be honest, I found being around new people quite intimidating. Having major trust issues. For most of the first year I was very guarded. I was afraid of being hurt and known.
Towards the end of year one is when I began to open up more. So within year two I was learning much more about myself within this group settting. I was able to do do this because my life-group members were very transparent, which was refreshing to me. They showed me that being yourself was just ok. There was no need for pretense. They showed me no judgement, and because of their love and acceptance I was able to open up even more. I was becoming a new person. I was being changed because of my groups openness, honesty, trust and transparency.
Within that second year I found myself wanting more. More of the community and love that they had shown me within the first year. I wanted to be a part of their life and share in the joys and pains that they experienced. I wasn’t sure how this would be done but this was where I wanted to do.
One day I saw a blog post called “Row Out Wednesdays”. That is when I decided to become more intentional with my relationships within and outside of this group. It meant that I would have reach out. It meant that I would allow myself to be more vulnerable. It meant that the level of intimacy would have to be deeper. It meant that I would have to trust Jesus more than I ever have before.
This is what Jesus wants for us. To want to know him more and have a deeper relationship with Him. We thrive better within community than on our own. Our community can be a church group, family, friends or a group where you share the share the same likings with someone.
I know this will not be easy for me but I look forward to connecting with my life-group and others on a different level.
Lately I’ve been in a funk in regards to my health but sometimes it takes having a conversation with a friend to put a spin on what you are going through and show your perspective in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared with you about my stomach issues, which I am still battling. The severity of it is not as bad. I have seen a gastroenterologist blood work was done and for now I am doing a food journal. So I just write down all I eat, how I am feeling and my bowel movements. I go back to see him on October 12. He has also recommend doing a scope of my stomach. I told him I would think about it. Truth is I don’t want to have surgery again.
So from about the middle of August I have been suffering from heel spurs and plantar Fasciitis. Damn it was painful. I was seeing a Chiropractor, doing laser therapy 3 times a week. Doing the stretches, exercises and putting ice on it 2-3 times a day. I was upset and all I could see was that I couldn’t do my walking anymore. What I didn’t see was all the others things that I could do. At one point I didn’t think I would see the end. Today I can gladly say that I am walking without a limp. I go the chiropractor/Laser Therapy weekly. I am also doing gentle yoga and more body stretches.
So then last week Saturday I am at a birthday party, trying not to walk around too much because my foot still hurts a little. Later that night the back of my neck starts to hurt. When I put my hand on my neck I feel a bump, at this point it is about the size of a medium sized grape. It hurts to touch it. This concerns me. So I speak to my aunt. You see she is a nurse. She says it looks like a hair bump but doesn’t like the fact that it is hurting me. She says I should see a doctor. What you don’t know is that a bump has been on the back of my neck for a couple months. Since it wasn’t bothering me before I just left it alone. Then all of a sudden it’s this big thing that is causing me pain. On Monday afternoon I go to a walk-in-clinic and see a doctor. He looks at it, feels it and says it’s a cyst. He gave me a script for antibiotics. Says to take it for 7 days and then follow-up with my family doctor. This will happen on Monday.
So as you can see I’m not in the best place with my health or should I say my body. I am not sad, but I do know that I do not want to go into the hospital for surgery. It would not be my first time for I have been to the hospital multiple times for different surgeries. I have had a bowel reconstruction surgery, partial hysterectomy, a dermoid cyst removed, plus the countless other ovarian cyst that have been removed. I have also had a ganglion cyst removed. I have had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage where a D&C had to be performed. I am not saying all of this to make you feel sorry for me. You see what my girlfriend did say is that you have been through all of that and your still smiling. You had surgeries and you healed. Even though you foot was hurting at the party you walked around with a smile on your face. You are still living. Then she provided me with a scenario of someone with cancer who has had a mastectomy, a breast implant and for them to learn that they have cancer again. Even though I am scared about having another surgery or even being in the hospital I will OK. I will go through the pain but will heal and be back on my feet again.
I am thankful that we spoke. Still unsure of what will happen but peace surrounds me, for this too shall pass. In this I can still move, use my limbs, most of all worship God. That will never cease. I don’t know what my future holds but I do know who holds my future. That alone is settling.