I haven’t been involved in Free Flow Fridays in a long time. Life does get busy but sometimes I just didn’t feel like being involved this way. I think that’s OK. This one minute writing exercise is helpful if only you will allow it to help you. Today it remined me of the place in which I am coming from, learning from and growing from. I was so broken that all I knew how to do was hurt those around me. But you see I am not that person anymore thanks be to God. I no longer sit at a place of being ashamed, or feeling guilty, or not even liking myself. You see Jesus has forgiven me and I have finally chosen to walk in His forgivenes. It has been a struggle but I am at a better place because of it. Here is what I wrote in the 1 minute time that was given.
In this life we all get tattered. Things happen in our life sometimes that is beyond our own control and some things are just consequences of actions that we have taken. Either way we are tattered, bruised, a little troubled but at the same time we can find healing. The pages of our tattered stories need to be shared so that we can receive the healing that is needed. Our minds may be tattered, our soul tattered, our bodies tattered but I know a man that will take your tattered life and make it new. Will He remove that tattered scars from your life maybe. This newness I speak of is not wiping what you have been through away but allowing you to get to a place where what you have been through no longer dictates your life. He gives you peace in the situation even though the situation is chaotic. You see this tattered life is not my own but His to carry. Because He has taken my tattered life I am new in Him. I am loved regardless of how tattered I may be. It does not make me any less of a person. For in Him there is beauty within my tattered soul. For in Him there is hope for my hopelessness. For in Him there is love unconditional. You see this tattered soul can open up and be free to share her tattered story and know that I have freedom in Him.
You see having a tattered life should never dictate who you are. Its what you do with your tattered life that makes all the difference. You were meant to soar.
Lately I’ve been in a funk in regards to my health but sometimes it takes having a conversation with a friend to put a spin on what you are going through and show your perspective in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared with you about my stomach issues, which I am still battling. The severity of it is not as bad. I have seen a gastroenterologist blood work was done and for now I am doing a food journal. So I just write down all I eat, how I am feeling and my bowel movements. I go back to see him on October 12. He has also recommend doing a scope of my stomach. I told him I would think about it. Truth is I don’t want to have surgery again.
So from about the middle of August I have been suffering from heel spurs and plantar Fasciitis. Damn it was painful. I was seeing a Chiropractor, doing laser therapy 3 times a week. Doing the stretches, exercises and putting ice on it 2-3 times a day. I was upset and all I could see was that I couldn’t do my walking anymore. What I didn’t see was all the others things that I could do. At one point I didn’t think I would see the end. Today I can gladly say that I am walking without a limp. I go the chiropractor/Laser Therapy weekly. I am also doing gentle yoga and more body stretches.
So then last week Saturday I am at a birthday party, trying not to walk around too much because my foot still hurts a little. Later that night the back of my neck starts to hurt. When I put my hand on my neck I feel a bump, at this point it is about the size of a medium sized grape. It hurts to touch it. This concerns me. So I speak to my aunt. You see she is a nurse. She says it looks like a hair bump but doesn’t like the fact that it is hurting me. She says I should see a doctor. What you don’t know is that a bump has been on the back of my neck for a couple months. Since it wasn’t bothering me before I just left it alone. Then all of a sudden it’s this big thing that is causing me pain. On Monday afternoon I go to a walk-in-clinic and see a doctor. He looks at it, feels it and says it’s a cyst. He gave me a script for antibiotics. Says to take it for 7 days and then follow-up with my family doctor. This will happen on Monday.
So as you can see I’m not in the best place with my health or should I say my body. I am not sad, but I do know that I do not want to go into the hospital for surgery. It would not be my first time for I have been to the hospital multiple times for different surgeries. I have had a bowel reconstruction surgery, partial hysterectomy, a dermoid cyst removed, plus the countless other ovarian cyst that have been removed. I have also had a ganglion cyst removed. I have had an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage where a D&C had to be performed. I am not saying all of this to make you feel sorry for me. You see what my girlfriend did say is that you have been through all of that and your still smiling. You had surgeries and you healed. Even though you foot was hurting at the party you walked around with a smile on your face. You are still living. Then she provided me with a scenario of someone with cancer who has had a mastectomy, a breast implant and for them to learn that they have cancer again. Even though I am scared about having another surgery or even being in the hospital I will OK. I will go through the pain but will heal and be back on my feet again.
I am thankful that we spoke. Still unsure of what will happen but peace surrounds me, for this too shall pass. In this I can still move, use my limbs, most of all worship God. That will never cease. I don’t know what my future holds but I do know who holds my future. That alone is settling.
Your healing starts from on the inside. This is what I was reminded of this morning as many thoughts invaded my mind. Thoughts of the past, thoughts of being hurt by others, not intentionally but none the less hurt. These feelings of being hurt have been suppressed for many years, so why drudge them up now. They are in the past so they should be forgotten. You see those hurts will not be healed if they continue to lay dormant in my soul. “For what is not healed is passed down.”
As I began on this journey of being transformed so that I can be all the Creator wants me to be, I realize that He is not going to leave any stone unturned and in order for me to have wholeness. This is not the first time that my hurts, habits and hangups have been brought to me, but it is the first time that I am willing to see it for what it is, and that is to deal with it. I have blocked so many things from my mind because of the pain it has cost me, but this pain seems to be seeping in and through my body now.
The Father says “Enough is enough, you shall not hold onto these things any more for it is killing you in body,” that to me means on the inside I must be slowly dying. He says “As I bring these things into the light allow my love to restore you.”
We are all fighting battles. For me it is physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. I have fought battles most of my life a lot of emotional and physical ones. Now I am fighting differently. You see now I choose to live. Not just coast along life but truly live, make a difference, live with intention and with a purpose. I am facing my battle head on, I will run no more not unless I am running into my Saviour’s arms. It’s scary as heck, but must be done. The Lord requires me to be whole and so with that I take up my cross ( all my hurts, hangups and habits) and I forge forward. We only have one life and it makes no sense to waste it. We do not plan when we arrive or when we leave this life, but the in between is what matters the most. We are not our own. We were bought with a price. It isn’t about us. No you see it is about others. The ones that you can speak life into by being yourself, the ones that you can impact and impart life to. You are here to make a difference and you can’t do that if your soul suffering.
The best thing that I ever did for myself was allow Jesus to start the process of bringing healing into my life. My story is not the same as yours. I am no longer willing to be ashamed of my story for right before my eyes He is allowing me to re-write my story. My story is not my past but my past is a part of my story. So that is what I am doing, in my brokenness I am allowing my Heavenly Father to take all of me and make it into who he created me to be, that’s where All Me For Him comes in. I shall no longer want to live in darkness, I am allowing his light to shine in and through me. This is not an easy place for me to be but it is a place that I need to be. Wont you allow Him to re-write your story.
For years I have struggled with my weight. Just being uncomfortable about how I looked. I wasn’t the healthiest person either. I started out losing 10 pounds the year my cousin died, wish I could remember the year. Oh well. I felt really good in my body. I was exercising and eating healthier. Although I was happy with the way I was looking on the outside something was missing on the inside. I continued to lose weight until I was down by 10lbs.
Needless to say the weight came piling back within a year and it was that same 10lbs that I had lost. This weight gain and lose continued for many more years. Some of it emotional weight gain. But thats another story in itself.
Once again I would find another program, lose the weight, feel good about how I looked but still feeling empty on the inside.
One year I joined a womens gym. I was so excited. I got a personal trainer and a nutritionist. Theses ladies were fantastic. The nutrition coach put me on an eating plan that was structured just for me. It started out rocky but a finally got into the swing of my new eating plan. This time I was determined to lose the weight and keep it off. I began seeing the results and felt a little bit more confident in myself and my abilities. My body was getting stronger once again and I could feel it. Wasn’t feeling flabby and I must say I was looking good also. My trainers were doing a great job and once again the weight started to come off again.
Around two years later something happened medically and I started to put the weight back on again. This continued to happen. My weight became like a yo-yo. It was a back and forth struggle with weight gain and weight loss. Sometimes I would go drastic but the end result was always similar. Feeling good in how I looked but not within. I’ve made many lifestyle changes but it’s just within the last year that once again I started to notice my weight and became unsatisfied with how I looked. My clothes were becoming an issue. The issue of being to tight which made me sick.
I needed to figure out what I was missing. I wasn’t happy when I lost the weight and even more miserable when the weight came back on. It finally hit me one day as I looked in the mirror. I didn’t love myself. That is what I was missing all those years that I was trying to lose weight. The change didn’t need to happen on the outside but on the inside. I didn’t like my character, or who was staring back at me in the mirror. So I turned to my Heavenly Father and began to seek Him and having a better relationship with Him. I began to speak to Him on how I was feeling on the inside. He began to speak life into my soul. So for now I just walk, do some stretches and try and eat healthier every day. I still struggle with my weight but I am feeling better about who am I and whose I am. He reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So as I begin this journey again but this time I am in the right frame of mind and soul. For where my Father leads that is where I will go, being comfortable in my own skin.
Have you ever stubbed your toe? Well of course you have who hasn’t. Well that’s just what I did yesterday. Walking👣 in my daughter’s room to deposit something and bang goes my left foot on the edge of her bed. Now don’t get me wrong I am not blind, but who needs to turn the light on when you know the placement of all the furniture. Silly me tricks are not for adults. Of course I couldn’t scream, my daughter is sleeping😴. So I quickly cover my mouth and hobble out of her room. At that point I wanted to cry.😭
Man did it hurt. Then it starts throbbing. So I do the usual thing crab some ice and put my foot up. This should do the trick. Did I say that at this point I am not able to put on pressure on my foot. I believe by morning🌅 all should be well.
So I wake up this morning bright and early ready to get my day started put my foot down and dang it still hurts. So I hobble along about my day. I’ve got a couple hours to rest, elevate and ice, for I don’t start work until noon🕛. Yes I went to work knowing very well I could barely walk.
Fast forward to 5pm when I am sitting in the doctors office. It’s a walk-in-clinic so I wait for about an hour. So glad I brought a book to read. Between reading and watching 2 boys running in circles the time flew by. The mom looked a little embarrassed. I told her no worries but she high tailed out of there. That’s what kids do they have fun.
I finally make it in to see the doctor and he does his poking and squeezing and says my toes are fine. The swelling is located around my metatarsal. He gives me a requisition for an x-ray and says to stay off my foot as much as possible. LOL. Yes, this is funny. I work with elementary kids so most of the time I am on my feet. He says “I can only give you advice”. I smile ☺. Upon leaving he tells me to take the least amount of steps to the x-ray clinic. Thank goodness it is only across the street. So I hop in the elevator. Walk to my car and drive literally 3 secs and park closer to the x-ray building. Get my x-ray done and come home. My foot is aching now, throbbing like never before. I am trying desperately not to do too much moving. It’s not working. I decide best thing to do is go to my room. Ice some more.
Now I wait for x-ray results. Doc says I should call in the morning.
My body seems as if it’s falling to pieces, even in this I hold fast to my Saviours unchanging hand. I do not ask Why but What? My journey continues.